{"id":244,"date":"2021-02-27T12:49:37","date_gmt":"2021-02-27T12:49:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wendirank.com\/?p=244"},"modified":"2021-03-02T16:28:39","modified_gmt":"2021-03-02T16:28:39","slug":"my-maine-problem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/27\/my-maine-problem\/","title":{"rendered":"My Maine Problem"},"content":{"rendered":"

As it turns out, watching\u00a0Lake Placid<\/em>\u00a0two days before you leave for a lakeside vacation in Maine is a really terrible idea.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I always think I will be able to keep the\u00a0zebras\u00a0under control. And I am always wrong.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I know I shouldn’t do such things, but when Don is on overnight call and you’re looking at a few hours’ worth of lonesome packing for Maine, it is truly a blessing when you catch\u00a0Lake Placid<\/em>\u00a0a mere 8 minutes into its run.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Easily what anyone would call an overlooked classic,\u00a0Lake Placid<\/em>\u00a0is about an oversized crocodile – that’s not a misnomer; she’s referred to as a crocodile throughout the movie – in a Maine lake – yes, lake – that has grown to an inflated size thanks to Betty White’s surreptitious feedings of live, full-sized cattle. I mean, move over\u00a0Citizen Kane<\/em>, am I right?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Best of all, the film reunites\u00a0Singles<\/em>\u00a0costars Bridget Fonda and Bill Pullman – because we all know that, in the end, Bridget would have been much better off with Bill than with Matt Dillon. No matter how fascinatingly sexual Matt’s long-haired grunge rocker may have been. That dude never would have survived Y2K.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Anyway, for – checking IMDB – one hour, 22 minutes – I packed, transfixed by the metaphorical plot of\u00a0Lake Placid<\/em>. Is there anything older than the theme of man vs. nature in great storytelling? From\u00a0Beowulf<\/u>\u00a0to Noah’s ark to\u00a0Bear Grylls<\/a>, man has always struggled with his role in the natural world. Watching Bridget and her team study and capture the great croc only reinforced to me that I am perfectly content to let nature have her way. I will sit inside, perfectly climate-controlled, and watch through a securely locked window.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The problem is, I married an outdoorsman. And since Don has allowed me to indoctrinate our children in nerdom –\u00a0Star Wars<\/em>, comics, anything within the Marvel Universe –\u00a0I have consented to Don raising our children to be outdoorsmen as well. Which means I am odd man out on family vacations.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
I don\u2019t even look happy riding fake animals. Inside.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So while my friends post Facebook pics from Disney or the Jersey Shore, I am perfecting treatments for the discomfort caused by the multitude of bug bites collected on our vacations like so many souvenirs. No fruity drinks with umbrellas served poolside for us. We hike miles through mountains and gorges. We apply for regional fishing licenses. We conduct internet searches for the best –\u00a0ugh<\/em>\u00a0– local purveyor of nightcrawlers. I call them working vacations.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
Nightcrawlers must be refrigerated until used. Refrigerated. Right next to the almond milk and coconut water.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

So when we arrived in Maine, it was with great trepidation that I eyed the lake upon which our house sat. At least as big as the lake in\u00a0Lake Placid<\/em>, it was easy to imagine it, too, harbored a massive crocodile. Or a mosasaur, because\u00a0Jurassic World<\/em>\u00a0isn’t exactly a great pre-vacation cinematic choice, either, but I was really unable to stop myself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Huffing silently to myself, I sat down at the glorious, indoor kitchen table with the\u00a0Philadelphia Inquirer<\/em>\u00a0Don had kindly packed for me to read over my morning tea. The\u00a0Inquirer<\/em>, too, proved to be an unsafe perusal. Concealed in its seemingly gargantuan marine life-free pages was the story<\/a>\u00a0of the 1916 Beach Haven, NJ shark attacks that inspired\u00a0Jaws<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
It’s a much prettier view when you’re looking from the safety of the house.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Do you think the lake is safe to swim in?” I queried Don.<\/p>\n

He knows me well enough to have responded thusly: “Sharks?”<\/p>\n

“And crocodiles. Mosasaurs too.”<\/p>\n

“Don’t you mean alligators? And what’s a mosasaur?”<\/p>\n

“No. I mean crocodiles. Like\u00a0Lake Placid<\/em>. And a mosasaur is Nessie.\u00a0Champ<\/a>. We’re awfully close to Lake Champlain.”<\/p>\n

Don assured me that the only thing in the lake was perch, which is still not OK but at least won’t “get” me.<\/p>\n

“Well, what about\u00a0brain-eating amoeba<\/a>?”<\/p>\n

“Too cold,” says the guy who wisely brings his\u00a0skin cancer-prone wife\u00a0north<\/em>\u00a0to go on vacation.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
I don\u2019t know what that stuff is in the water, but I know I don\u2019t want it to touch me.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

So I swam in the lake, steadfastly pretending that Don wasn’t fishing for actual\u00a0fish<\/em>\u00a0in my swimming hole. And you know what? There was no Nessie. No Betty White. Sadly, not even Chris Pratt.<\/p>\n

No Chris Pratt, that is, until we took a seaplane tour over Rangeley Lakes.<\/p>\n

While waiting for our pilot to arrive, I ran into the office of Acadian Seaplanes<\/a>\u00a0to pee because, well, after twenty years of being a nurse and two pregnancies, I have no bladder to speak of. And I’m sure all the caffeine I consume each day doesn’t help. Nor did the beer I had with my lobster roll before our flight.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A series of framed photos on the wall caught my attention. Clearly from a magazine, the shots depicted a super-hot pilot standing next to a seaplane, along with a quote indicating landing on sunset beaches is perfect second date fodder.<\/p>\n

Super-hot pilot standing next to a seaplane. The same seaplane docked outside of Acadian’s offices.<\/p>\n

Heading back out to my family, I speculated that our pilot was maybe a model or something on the side.<\/p>\n

Or something.<\/p>\n

Super Hot Pilot arrived and introduced himself as, in fact, our pilot. As he headed off to check the seaplane, Tina and I ogled the goods strutting toward the seaplane, because, well, I have the best mother-in-law on the planet.<\/p>\n

And now I had a whole new problem in the fine state of Maine. I have massive issues with motion sickness. Massive. And while I ardently try to keep from vomiting aboard any moving vehicle I am not helming, I steadily become a horrid and very unattractive shade of gray.<\/p>\n

I really didn’t want to be Gray-Faced Vomiting Girl in front of Super Hot Pilot.<\/p>\n

Listen, I’m not looking for side action. Don is, himself, Super Hot Husband, from the tips of his salt-and-pepper-Rob-Lowe-circa-The<\/em>–West<\/em>–Wing\u00a0<\/em>hair to his size thirteen feet to his, um, well, let’s just stop at size thirteen. But like the saying goes, just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu. Especially when that menu boasts a pilot so photogenic he modeled for a magazine.<\/p>\n

While we soared over the lakes of Maine, Don and the kids looked eagerly out of the seaplane’s windows for moose, or the top of Mount Washington, or the top of Bald Mountain. I, however, set about making a plan for when my lobster roll and Allagash White decided to make a repeat appearance. Spotting nothing in the tiny plane to capture my lunch, I nominated the sweater in my lap to be my airsickness bag.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mercifully, the plane returned before my lunch did. As we disembarked, I looked Super Hot Pilot dead in the eye. I told him I couldn’t lie to him, that I’d seen the pictures in the office. I told him I needed to know the story because I was having dinner with friends in a few days. I told him they were going to want to know the scoop.<\/p>\n

So yes, Super Hot Pilot occasionally participates in stories for men’s magazines about rugged Maine outdoorsmen. His plane is used in catalogs. He even was part of a movie with Bill Murray, who had autographed the dashboard of his seaplane.<\/p>\n

Later, Don reassured me that my quick ingestion of a Coke had encouraged my normal pallor to replace my motion sickness gray. He told me that if I had sat in the cockpit with Super Hot Pilot, he may have let me navigate the plane to mitigate my motion sickness. I made an ill-advised joke about Super Hot Pilot, the cockpit, and the plane’s control stick.<\/p>\n

The reality is, I don’t need a rugged Maine outdoorsman. I have a rugged Pennsylvania outdoorsman, who easily transitions to rugged Maine\/New Hampshire\/ Vermont\/ Canada outdoorsman. He’s the reason I find outdoorsman attractive in the first place. And as long as he’s there to shoo away the imaginary Nessies in my world, I’ll follow him anywhere.<\/p>\n

Even if I have to hike a mountain to do it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As it turns out, watching\u00a0Lake Placid\u00a0two days before you leave for a lakeside vacation in Maine is a really terrible idea.   I always think I will be able to keep the\u00a0zebras\u00a0under control. And I am always wrong.   And I know I shouldn’t do such things, but when Don is on overnight call and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":250,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[21,20,22,26,11,17,18,19],"yoast_head":"\nMy Maine Problem - Wendi Rank<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Let\u2019s focus on the hot pilot and not the possibility of a giant crocodile living in the lake.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"My Maine Problem - Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Let\u2019s focus on the hot pilot and not the possibility of a giant crocodile living in the lake.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/27\/my-maine-problem\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-02-27T12:49:37+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-03-02T16:28:39+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/Screen-Shot-2021-02-27-at-7.44.48-AM.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"886\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"924\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"8 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/27\/my-maine-problem\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/27\/my-maine-problem\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"wendi\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"headline\":\"My Maine Problem\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-02-27T12:49:37+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-02T16:28:39+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/27\/my-maine-problem\/\"},\"wordCount\":1446,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/27\/my-maine-problem\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/Screen-Shot-2021-02-27-at-7.44.48-AM.png\",\"keywords\":[\"hunter's wife\",\"hunting\",\"hunting widow\",\"Maine\",\"obsessive\",\"Outdoors\",\"Outdoorsman\",\"Outdoorsman's wife\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Outdoorsman\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/27\/my-maine-problem\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/27\/my-maine-problem\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/02\/27\/my-maine-problem\/\",\"name\":\"My Maine Problem - 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