{"id":265,"date":"2021-03-01T10:16:19","date_gmt":"2021-03-01T10:16:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wendirank.com\/?p=265"},"modified":"2021-03-02T16:24:30","modified_gmt":"2021-03-02T16:24:30","slug":"a-nutty-tail","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/a-nutty-tail\/","title":{"rendered":"A Nutty Tail"},"content":{"rendered":"

You guys have watched as I have prepared for this moment.<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You\u2019ve stood by me as I have studied.<\/a> Supported me as I have prepared.<\/a> And now, not only has my hard work paid off, but I am one step closer to never having cervid<\/a> detritus speckle my kitchen ever again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I butchered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I butchered<\/em>. For the first time ever, in my whole life. Not once, but twice last weekend.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I butchered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We were, of course, at The Cabin.<\/a> Don rotated through the kids, taking them squirrel hunting. I, in the proud tradition of newbies everywhere, gave my expert hunter some guff.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I pointed out that, according to my Pennsylvania Hunting and Trapping Digest<\/em>, small game season was still a few weeks away. Sometimes, there are specially designated weeks for mentored hunting or kids’ hunting. Was this such a week?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If you\u2019re going to be condescending, it pays to be looking at the current Pennsylvania Hunting and Trapping Digest<\/em>, which I was not. I was looking at 2019.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Why I had 2019\u2019s Digest<\/em> I couldn\u2019t tell you. Maybe we read it for book club?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It is indeed small game season in Pennsylvania. My husband and son, early Saturday morning, arrived back at The Cabin with their quarry. A squirrel, left outside on the butchering table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Wow. Those are words I never thought I\u2019d say. Recently, I drove past my old apartment, where I lived when Don and I started dating. It\u2019s on the Main Line, walking distance from a Whole Foods. I took the train every day. Enjoyed Center City<\/a> when I wasn\u2019t in the hospital enjoying neurosurgery.<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I am not that girl anymore.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I asked my boys if I could butcher. My son was overjoyed to turn his hard-won squirrel over to me. Don was overjoyed to guide me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was go time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
My daughter is drying out her squirrel tails, the better to decorate her room. Because using dead animal parts as home decor is, apparently, genetic.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was still in my pajamas. Obviously, I couldn\u2019t butcher in my pajamas. If I butchered in my pajamas, squirrel goo would contaminate the cozy plaid folds. Even if I couldn\u2019t actually see squirrel goo on my pajamas, my Obsessiveness<\/a> would consider those pajamas contaminated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

No amount of washing would ever convince my Obsessiveness those pajamas were actually clean. And under no circumstances would my Obsessiveness allow me to wear those pajamas into my bed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My bed would then be contaminated. I could never use it again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So obviously, I had to change.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Whenever I pictured myself butchering, my mind\u2019s eye always saw a really cute, butchery-type outfit. Don and I used to watch Boardwalk Empire<\/em>. There was a character who was a butcher. He was also a mobster who killed people. But he was from Willow Grove<\/a>, like me. So I really identified with him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He had a leather apron. My imagined outfit always included a leather apron.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My hair would be up, my make-up flawless. I would be in a white T-shirt. I usually shun white T-shirts. My pale hair and paler skin allow white shirts to erase me of what small color I possess. But my leather apron would be black. I could white T-shirt away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019d also have a pair of thick, khaki cargo pants. Carharrt<\/a> maybe, or my new obsession, Filson.<\/a> And of course, sturdy boots, which would live outside so as not to track intestines and stuff through my house.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I guess I thought that outfit would appear by magic. I had not showered<\/a>, as it were, yet, so no make-up beautified my face. I had no clothes, no shoes that fit my imagined outfit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So I did what I think any butcher worth her salt would do. I grabbed my J.Crew \u201cApr\u00e8s Ski\u201d T-shirt, my ripped Gap jeans, my Essie nail polish in Wicked, and my Timberlands.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suitably, if not adorably, decked, I headed outside.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I reviewed my squirrel butchering guide from Hank Shaw<\/a> as I walked through the morning rain to my father-in-law\u2019s butchering table. I thought I was prepared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was not prepared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The squirrel lay on the table, adorable in his squirrel-ness. I was not expecting him \u2013 yes, I checked \u2013 to be so cute even in death.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But I dissected two cats on my way to a master\u2019s degree, so I drew on that experience to begin this one. I showed Don my Hank Shaw guide. He explained his method, somewhat different from Hank\u2019s.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOoh! Ooh!\u201d I exclaimed. \u201cI know! There\u2019s more than one way to skin a squirrel?!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Don didn\u2019t think I was funny. I thought I was hilarious.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I asked Don to call me Billy Butcher, which he refused to do because he doesn\u2019t watch The Boys<\/em>. And maybe because Karl Urban is, well, everything.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
These pics are heavily cropped. Let\u2019s just leave it at that. Also, I really wish I had removed my rings first.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

But having someone who really knows me teach me to butcher made all the difference. Don has stood in line with me for an hour and a half to get the best seats at the premiere of The Dark Knight<\/em>. He\u2019s come home to find pets adopted in his absence. He\u2019s understood that sometimes he\u2019s not allowed to kiss me because I\u2019m dirty.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Not dirty in a good way. Dirty in a bad way. Like just cleaned the litter box bad way. Just cleaned the toilet bad way. Just scooped Petey poop bad way.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So Don knew my lifetime of comic books, William Shatner one-man shows, and superhero movies gave me little frame of reference to butcher. He knew my uncontrollable urge to give shelter to homeless animals would make butchering emotional for me. And he knew my Obsessiveness would be in overdrive, screaming at me about germs, germs, germs!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He offered me surgical gloves, in an attempt to silence my Obsessiveness. My Obsessiveness danced with delight. Don so rarely indulges him. Worse, he often antagonizes \u2013 intentionally and unintentionally \u2013 my Obsessiveness. My Obsessiveness screamed for me to Take the gloves! Take the gloves!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But I didn\u2019t. When in Rome and all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As I worked, Don spoke to the nurse in me, the surgical nurse practitioner in me. In so doing, the process became logical, a linear sequence to follow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I removed the skin first, turning my blade broadside and flat, moving in small, gentle strokes to separate fascia from meat. Don said he was impressed with my skill, that my knowledge of anatomy was clearly aiding me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My knifework had nothing to do with my knowledge of anatomy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There\u2019s something I think we all know about Netflix. Netflix is like pizza. Even if what\u2019s before you isn\u2019t what you normally consume, you can still find something about it to enjoy. I don\u2019t like peppers on my pizza, but I can still enjoy the crust.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I never would have sat down on my own to watch a hunting show on Netflix. So when Don first started watching MeatEater<\/em><\/a>, I would tuck my nose into my book.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But I eventually found the crust in that slice of pepper pizza. Now I set my book aside and watch along with Don.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019ve watched hunters on that show butcher dozens of times. They always <\/em>separate fascia from meat with their blades turned broadside, using small, gentle strokes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As I worked, Don repeated his praise. I did this well. I did that well. I doubt any of it was true, but along with everything else he also knows I\u2019m a perfectionist. So he lavished the praise and offered the occasional course correction. And when I was done, I had a nicely butchered squirrel even my inner critic was proud of.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Although my inner critic doesn\u2019t like that I ended that last sentence with a preposition.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Don and my daughter returned later in the day with more squirrels, I butchered again, this time with less guidance from Don, who knows I also hate being told what to do. I drank my beer. Butchered my squirrel. Chatted with my husband.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As the day wound down, I felt emotionally drained. I felt sad for the squirrel. I felt pride in my husband and kids, who had procured a meal for our family. I felt gross because pulling squirrel goo from your hands doesn\u2019t leave you easily. I was nauseated. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw fascia pulling away from meat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
The squirrel meat goes into that pot. Then I had to rinse my hands in that pot. I could do without that part.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later, Don and I sat on the sofa and watched Jeremiah Johnson<\/em><\/a>. One of my proudest contributions to The Cabin is that we now watch TV while we\u2019re there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know where Jeremiah Johnson<\/em> falls in the outdoorsman\u2019s canon. Is it what Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan<\/em> is to the Trek<\/em> universe? Central, integral, often referenced and widely loved? Or is it more like a Trek<\/em> novel? Only accessed and appreciated by Trekkers?<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t enjoy Jeremiah Johnson<\/em>. Honestly, if I wanted to watch a grumpy outdoorsman seek solitude in the wild I\u2019d just follow Don around all day. And what\u2019s a Robert Redford movie if the Winter Soldier and Cap don\u2019t show up every once in a while?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My neck began to ache as we watched Jeremiah stumble from one adventure to another. Meningitis, obviously, from whatever weird amoeba I picked up from the dead squirrel. I told Don, who agreed, and refused to take care of anyone after my inevitable death.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019d be Jeremiah Johnson. Living off the land and away from people. No Winter Soldier. No Cap.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
Vigorously, aggressively washing my hands in the aftermath, although I will never truly be free OF the aftermath.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

As we drove home the next day, I told Don about the emotional distress, the nausea, the persistent visions when I closed my eyes. He asked if my butchering days were over.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I gazed out over the highway. A dead squirrel lay in our path. And I reflected that our squirrels are better off. Their meat would be used, instead of left to rot on a central Pennsylvania highway.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That poor highway squirrel gave me some of the gumption I needed to tell Don I was only just beginning.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But honestly, I feel way worse after Don butchers in the kitchen than after butchering for myself at The Cabin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I will never again find animal bits stuck to my floor. Mystery fluid coating my cabinets. Bone slivers in my sink.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That\u2019s all the motivation I need.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You guys have watched as I have prepared for this moment.   You\u2019ve stood by me as I have studied. Supported me as I have prepared. And now, not only has my hard work paid off, but I am one step closer to never having cervid detritus speckle my kitchen ever again.   I butchered….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":267,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[21,20,22,11,17,18,19],"yoast_head":"\nA Nutty Tail - Wendi Rank<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"There\u2019s no easy way to say this\u2026.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Nutty Tail - Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"There\u2019s no easy way to say this\u2026.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/a-nutty-tail\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-03-01T10:16:19+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-03-02T16:24:30+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-01-at-5.08.34-AM.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"870\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"730\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/a-nutty-tail\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/a-nutty-tail\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"wendi\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"headline\":\"A Nutty Tail\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-01T10:16:19+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-02T16:24:30+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/a-nutty-tail\/\"},\"wordCount\":1897,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/a-nutty-tail\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-01-at-5.08.34-AM.png\",\"keywords\":[\"hunter's wife\",\"hunting\",\"hunting widow\",\"obsessive\",\"Outdoors\",\"Outdoorsman\",\"Outdoorsman's wife\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Outdoorsman\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/a-nutty-tail\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/a-nutty-tail\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/a-nutty-tail\/\",\"name\":\"A Nutty Tail - 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