{"id":286,"date":"2021-03-01T10:40:33","date_gmt":"2021-03-01T10:40:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wendirank.com\/?p=286"},"modified":"2021-03-02T16:19:44","modified_gmt":"2021-03-02T16:19:44","slug":"dirty-girl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/","title":{"rendered":"Dirty Girl"},"content":{"rendered":"

I usually try to alternate my tales \u2013 one week it\u2019s Willie and Indy<\/a>, the next it\u2019s my outdoorsmen<\/a>. But I\u2019m at The Cabin and the shower and I are fighting. I need a third party who may be sympathetic.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To understand our fight, you\u2019ll want to know a bit about our relationship. We have never been allies, the shower and I. My need for her \u2013and she\u2019s definitely a her \u2013 exceeds her need for me. Which is to say she doesn\u2019t need me at all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Although she and she alone brings me to the all-important state of Clean<\/a> at The Cabin, I do not bring her to the all-important state of Clean. I leave the cleaning of the shower to my mother-in-law. I\u2019m not proud but you must understand I have a phobia of cleaning showers that are used by people other than or in addition to me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You know, now that I\u2019ve said that out loud, I see how very bizarre that sounds. I should probably get that phobia checked. Treated, even. I\u2019m not, because the end result could only be that I wind up cleaning shared showers with a devil-may-care attitude. The current me can\u2019t live with that potential version of me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Anyway, I don\u2019t clean the shower. I didn\u2019t even clean the shower that time I found a dead spider in the bottom. I ran outside and grabbed Big Don. He cleaned up the dead spider for me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Don\u2019t worry. I was fully dressed. That time I accidentally left my underpants in Big Don\u2019s hat was traumatizing enough. I don\u2019t need to run after him in a towel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I can\u2019t go into the story of the underpants today. That wound is still too raw.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Back to the shower. I trash-talk the shower every chance I get, and there\u2019s plenty to complain about. I can\u2019t shampoo my hair in the shower because it turns my hair orange<\/a>. Also, the water erupts from the showerhead with a force I can only equate to Mount Vesuvius. It hurts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Big Don is The Cabin repairman. There\u2019s just no good way to tell your father-in-law that the showerhead hurts your delicate lady parts. Especially not after you accidentally left your underwear in his hat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now I feel like I have to tell you that story.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cabin has two bedrooms, each with one set of bunk beds. The room on the left is Big Don\u2019s, the room on the right is my Don\u2019s. Pete the Beagle and I sleep in Big Don\u2019s bottom bunk since he and Tina sleep elsewhere.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The beds are not large enough that my Don and I can share, and my Don is too tall for the bottom bunk. Poor Pete is too arthritic for the top bunk.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So why not sleep in my Don\u2019s room, with him in the top bunk, me in the bottom? Because his room is messy. I can\u2019t sleep in messy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

No. I seriously need to get this obsessiveness checked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
Don\u2019s dresser. See what I mean?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cabin doesn\u2019t have enough drawer space for everyone\u2019s clothes. I just pile our stuff on top of Big Don\u2019s dresser. And no, that doesn\u2019t qualify as a mess. Don\u2019t ask me why. It just doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One time, I piled everything on top of Big Don\u2019s dresser as we arrived, really not taking note of the baseball cap lying inverted on top. I was, however, careful to leave the hat when I packed everything at the end of our weekend.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Only I didn\u2019t pack everything<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That was how my underpants wound up in Big Don\u2019s hat. He thought they were Tina\u2019s. I can\u2019t imagine A) that conversation and B) why she still loves me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now that we have that out of the way, let\u2019s return to my fight with the shower. I don’t clean her. I smack-talk her. I also rate her in the Dirty category, even though she’s not. I just can’t rate her as Clean. For me to emerge Clean from the Dirty shower I wash without letting a single body part touch the shower surface. Including the soles of my feet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I wear flip-flops.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

No wonder she hates me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
My soap and lotion. They serve as my link to civilization. We can talk about Scent Elimination later. And Jordan\u2019s note, which clearly shows she inherited none of my phobias.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

This weekend, however, felt different. Big Don and Tina had installed a gleaming highboy in Big Don\u2019s bedroom. Its ample drawers allowed storage of everyone\u2019s clothes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I usually have to shower with the door closed. There\u2019s no fan, so I apply make-up through a foggy mirror.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But everyone was out. I dropped all discretion. No foggy mirror.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And the shower! Someone fixed the showerhead! No longer was I protecting dainty body parts from the porcupined water. It may be rusty, but that water flowed like a tender brook, caressing my fragile skin like red-brown silk.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You\u2019re curious about the rusty water, right? Deer camps<\/a> are not known for their luxury. The things revered<\/a> in deer camp do not include four-star showers. The Cabin\u2019s water comes from a well. That well water, high in iron sulfate, smells like a mixture of blood and rotten eggs, and is an alarming shade of brown.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
The shower at The Cabin. She actually looks a lot better now. Big Don and Tina give her TLC.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sadly, my good fortune \u2013 or what amounts to good fortune at The Cabin – began to turn as I lathered up. I realized I forgot my colloidal oatmeal. Four hot days here in Pennsylvania and I\u2019d already broken out in a sun rash. The itch was making me crazy \u2013 crazier? \u2013 and only colloidal oatmeal relieved me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Popping out of the shower, I nearly stepped right into a large spider dangling from the ceiling. He was level with my chin and between me and my oatmeal.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly, being alone at The Cabin wasn\u2019t so great.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I grabbed some toilet paper and squished him, then grabbed my oatmeal. I returned to the warm, soothing hug of the sulfur-scented water. I reveled in my final rinse \u2013 as much as one can when one won\u2019t touch a single surface.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And that\u2019s when I saw the carpenter ant climbing on the outside of the shower curtain.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Nope. I hopped out. I couldn\u2019t kill him \u2013 I have a phobia about picking up solid, non-shower-related items from a wet shower. So soap, for example, I can pick up. Hair I cannot even look at.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Wow. That all sounds like the craziest thing I\u2019ve said today.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
Bugs in the bathroom window. Perhaps they were having a meeting with the spider and carpenter ant?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

I dressed, and of course tattled to Don about the horror of the shower as soon as he and the kids returned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I should have tattled out of earshot of the shower. Not an hour after I bathed, I returned to the bathroom. And that\u2019s when I saw it. The dead gnat on the edge of the shower. It had to have been there while I washed. Which means I wasn\u2019t truly Clean.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What a bitch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yeah. I\u2019ll catch you guys later. I need to make some phone calls. There\u2019s got to be a qualified professional who can help me. Somewhere.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I mean, there have to be exterminators that go to The Cabin, right?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I usually try to alternate my tales \u2013 one week it\u2019s Willie and Indy, the next it\u2019s my outdoorsmen. But I\u2019m at The Cabin and the shower and I are fighting. I need a third party who may be sympathetic.   To understand our fight, you\u2019ll want to know a bit about our relationship. We…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":290,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[30,21,20,22,10,11,17,18,19],"yoast_head":"\nDirty Girl - Wendi Rank<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Cleanliness is next to godliness\u2026\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Dirty Girl - Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Cleanliness is next to godliness\u2026\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-03-01T10:40:33+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-03-02T16:19:44+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-01-at-5.36.46-AM.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"900\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1192\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"wendi\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"headline\":\"Dirty Girl\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-01T10:40:33+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-02T16:19:44+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/\"},\"wordCount\":1352,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-01-at-5.36.46-AM.png\",\"keywords\":[\"Deer Camp\",\"hunter's wife\",\"hunting\",\"hunting widow\",\"neat freak\",\"obsessive\",\"Outdoors\",\"Outdoorsman\",\"Outdoorsman's wife\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Outdoorsman\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/\",\"name\":\"Dirty Girl - Wendi Rank\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-01-at-5.36.46-AM.png\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-01T10:40:33+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-02T16:19:44+00:00\",\"description\":\"Cleanliness is next to godliness\u2026\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/01\/dirty-girl\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-01-at-5.36.46-AM.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-01-at-5.36.46-AM.png\",\"width\":900,\"height\":1192,\"caption\":\"An early iteration of the shower at The Cabin. 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