{"id":329,"date":"2021-03-02T11:49:50","date_gmt":"2021-03-02T11:49:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wendirank.com\/?p=329"},"modified":"2021-03-02T16:09:09","modified_gmt":"2021-03-02T16:09:09","slug":"outsider","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/outsider\/","title":{"rendered":"Outsider"},"content":{"rendered":"

Things have gone too far.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I have tolerated Don\u2019s embrace of the outdoors, even though he restrained himself from that embrace until we were well into our marriage. Waited until we had kids and car payments and gravity had taken its toll and nobody was going anywhere.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I have endured hikes that are always sweltering or freezing but nothing in between. I have supported trips to The Cabin where I live in fear of freaky Cabin amoeba infecting my brain. I have put on a brave smile when friends bring taco dip and rocky road brownies to parties where we bring sous vide venison, butchered in my kitchen like that\u2019s what\u2019s supposed to happen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I even adopted a retired hunting dog, one who drags me off the trail during our backwoods hikes. His beagle nose tracks in the dirt, searching for rabbits in thick underbrush littered with snakes and frogs and who knows what other kinds of nightmares.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But now the whole outdoorsy thing is invading all corners of my life. Corners I thought safe. Corners I protected. Corners that were my sanctuary on days when another freezer materializes in the garage because we have too much game meat for just one freezer<\/a>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
I guess Don thought he could convert me.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

It started with The Outsider<\/em>. Not the baby Brat Packers movie \u2013 and book, which is marvelous and I\u2019ve read eleven times. The Outsider<\/u> is a book by Stephen King. Last year, Jason Bateman turned it into a mini-series.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Which explains the italicizing and underlining of the same title. Books are underlined. Television shows are italicized. I wish I could let that go but my Obsessiveness won\u2019t let me. So now you\u2019re stuck reading about The Outsider<\/em> (TV show) and The Outsider<\/u> (book). I\u2019m sorry. I love you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
I just want to read my book. Also, when I go outside I get a sunburn. Then I wind up reading The Firm (underlining in photo captions isn\u2019t possible on this platform) with cucumbers on my sunburn while I wear a very tragic floral shirt.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I read the book when it first came out, while we were on vacation.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I sat engrossed one day, oblivious to the ocean crashing outside my window. Don settled in next to me, kissed my cheek.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to take a shower,\u201d he told me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cK,\u201d I responded, really absent in the conversation because, you know, Stephen King.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Don said. \u201cI\u2019m going to take a shower.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cO-K<\/em>,\u201d I said again, now a bit testy because Don knows better than to interrupt Stephen King to tell me about a shower or that dinner is ready or that it\u2019s time to leave for that funeral.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGood book?\u201d Don asked, as if Stephen King is capable of anything but.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d I said, turning the page. The detective had found a handprint. This handprint was just impossible and yet, in true Stephen King fashion, entirely probable.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can tell,\u201d Don grinned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d I said, not evening bothering to hide my perturbance at being interrupted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re immune to my charms when you\u2019re reading a good book.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Oh. It was that<\/em> kind of shower. Well, I had to see the handprint thing to its conclusion. I wished Don well in his bathing endeavors.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When the mini-series began last year \u2013 wow. Jason Bateman was so good. Even better, he brought along one of his Ozark<\/em> costars to play a staple of Stephen King stories \u2013 the tangential bad guy. Not the central evil force that drives his stories, the tangential bad guy is human rather than supernatural (as in It<\/u>) or preternatural (like Cujo<\/u>).<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But sometimes, those tangential bad guys get caught up with the supernatural\/preternatural bad guys. I love when that happens.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was happy with The Outsider<\/em> mini-series. Thrilled with Jason Bateman. Thoroughly enjoying the tangential bad guy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Until the tangential bad guy \u2013 Tangential Bad Guy is really the way to go, I think \u2013 had to feed the Supernatural Bad Guy during the mini-series. So he killed a deer for him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What\u2019s the problem, you ask? I\u2019ll tell you what the problem is. I got angry. Not because he killed a deer \u2013 I reconciled that whole thing long ago, which is just a story for another day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

No. I got angry because it\u2019s not that easy to kill a deer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You can\u2019t just decide you\u2019re going to hunt a deer and \u2013 boom! \u2013 be successful. The National Deer Association says<\/a> only 41% of hunters were successful in 2017. In all of hunting season<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now, I will grant you the Tangential Bad Guy was likely not following hunting regulations, which make bagging a deer harder. But still. Do you know how many weeks before hunting season Don is washing his clothes and body in scent-erasing soaps? How many weekends I spend at The Cabin entertaining our children while he scouts hunting locations? The afternoons I\u2019ve spent in the township office waiting for hunting license applications or at the archery store<\/a> for archery stuff?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My anger intensified when I realized the frustration triggered by the erroneous plot development would never have been incited had I not promised to have and to hold a guy who regularly uses an outhouse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In other words, Don\u2019s hunting ruined my precious moments with The Outsider<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
There\u2019s way better climate control with indoor bike riding.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It gets worse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Last week, at a friend\u2019s urging, I suggested Don and I try watching Yellowstone<\/em>. It\u2019s set in Montana, where Don and I have both been and hope to move to someday after a lot of people who need us here die.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yeah. I mean Willie and Indy<\/a>. And yes, they know I feel that way. And yes, I really mean just Willie because, as Indy\u2019s favorite person in the world, I know he\u2019d follow me anywhere.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was good with Kevin Costner. I was good with the gratuitous nudity. I was good with Kevin Costner\u2019s house, which is the house I will live in when I move Indy to Montana.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then a few characters went fishing. On horseback<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWait, can you do that?\u201d I asked Don. \u201cIs that practical?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And when Don said no, his frustration with the scene clear, I knew Yellowstone<\/em> was done in the Rank household.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I thought back. Thought back to the girl I was when Kevin Costner\u2019s movie Rumor Has It<\/em> came out. That girl, who swore she\u2019d never go to The Cabin. That girl, who bought every single issue of People<\/em> magazine that covered Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt\u2019s impending divorce, because she was Team Jen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And now I am this girl, tapping out after one episode of Yellowstone<\/em> because I found a fishing scene improbable.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A FISHING SCENE.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
I\u2019m way more concerned about the snakes living in those rocks than I am about the masked marauder sneaking up behind me.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I kept my frustration to myself. Although Don\u2019s outdoorsy nature has ruined my beloved affinity for the celluloid, I have ruined far more for him. He had plans on being a bachelor into perpetuity, with the disposable income to show for it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now, with kids going off to college when he\u2019s in his mid-fifties, he\u2019s more likely to work into perpetuity. And that disposable income? Well, let\u2019s ask the sofa, ripped to shreds by the cat that died<\/a> nine months ago, now outliving that cat because we just can\u2019t see our way to dropping money on a sofa that is hogged by the dog and paint-splattered by two teens who should know better.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thanks for the joke, Don.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Yellowstone<\/em> proved to be a no-go, I settled into my book, The Names of Dead Girls<\/u>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now, I know you\u2019re thinking that between Stephen King and The Names of Dead Girls<\/u>, Don should be sleeping with one eye open. And you\u2019d be right. Macabre is the only way to go, unless you\u2019re my book club. They\u2019ve banned me from picking any more books.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Some of the girls had nightmares.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was figuring a book with a title like that would be one of those safe corners. No fishing on horseback. No easy deer hunting. Just murder.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And it was. Until the passage about deer hunting. And the other passage about deer hunting. And the other passage about deer hunting.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I flipped to the back of the book, to the page about the author. He grew up in Vermont where he spent his childhood fishing, hunting, and hiking.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The outdoorsman\u2019s trifecta.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Well, at least the deer hunting passage was accurate.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
Couldn\u2019t Star Trek infect all corners of my life, instead of the outdoors? Also, you\u2019ll probably be shocked to know that no, I didn\u2019t have sex in high school.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Things grew even more dire when I retrieved the mail this week. A postcard, addressed to me, suggested I subscribe to the Game News<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Because, you know, it\u2019s the state’s premier periodical on hunting, trapping, and the outdoors.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Don snatched the postcard from my fingers, asking if it was for him. I snatched it back. This was my <\/em>subscription invitation. Not his.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In a personal sphere that has become increasingly peppered with outdoorsy people and things \u2013 in the last year, I\u2019ve spoken and written\u00a0a total of four times<\/a> for Backcountry Hunters and Anglers<\/a>, earned more Hike to Hunt<\/a> donations than Don, fired one gun and butchered two squirrels – I\u2019ve realized if you can\u2019t beat them, you need to join them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Also, I really don\u2019t want to beat them. I just want to watch TV.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How do I join them? Well, Don and I usually spend a weekend away every February. It\u2019s just the two of us, where Don can part ways with his disposable income down at the Kimpton Hotel Monaco<\/a>. I get a massage. We go to a nice restaurant. We day drink.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That\u2019s not possible this year. So I said something. Something I shouldn\u2019t have said. But the \u201cjoin them\u201d spirit moved me, and now it\u2019s done.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I suggested we go to The Cabin instead.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A romantic weekend. At The Cabin. Where I refuse to play Parcheesi<\/a>. Where the spa is The Cabin bathroom Don\u2019s mom and I decorated with a Wal-Mart bath mat and shower curtain. Where the Old City restaurants with fancy drinks and fancier seat cushions are viewed with just a little bit of scorn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cabin. Where Don will have to turn on the water – normally shut down for the winter \u2013 because I\u2019ll rupture every organ in my pelvis before I use the outhouse. The Cabin, where my dinner is likely to be any animal with the misfortune of being legal in February.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Which, checking my trusty Pennsylvania Hunting and Trapping Digest<\/em>, is raccoon, fox, squirrel, pheasant, rabbit, quail, and woodchuck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hey! I know how to butcher squirrel!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Why do I feel like I\u2019ll be spending that weekend covered in squirrel fascia?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And why do I feel like you\u2019ll be reading about it?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Things have gone too far.   I have tolerated Don\u2019s embrace of the outdoors, even though he restrained himself from that embrace until we were well into our marriage. Waited until we had kids and car payments and gravity had taken its toll and nobody was going anywhere.   I have endured hikes that are…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":336,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[30,21,20,22,17,18,19],"yoast_head":"\nOutsider - Wendi Rank<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Being indoorsy makes me an outsider.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Outsider - Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Being indoorsy makes me an outsider.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/outsider\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-03-02T11:49:50+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-03-02T16:09:09+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-02-at-6.47.23-AM.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"888\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"976\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"10 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/outsider\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/outsider\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"wendi\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"headline\":\"Outsider\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-02T11:49:50+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-02T16:09:09+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/outsider\/\"},\"wordCount\":1982,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/outsider\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-02-at-6.47.23-AM.png\",\"keywords\":[\"Deer Camp\",\"hunter's wife\",\"hunting\",\"hunting widow\",\"Outdoors\",\"Outdoorsman\",\"Outdoorsman's wife\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Outdoorsman\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/outsider\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/outsider\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/outsider\/\",\"name\":\"Outsider - 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