{"id":344,"date":"2021-03-02T12:02:40","date_gmt":"2021-03-02T12:02:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wendirank.com\/?p=344"},"modified":"2021-03-02T16:05:06","modified_gmt":"2021-03-02T16:05:06","slug":"playing-ketchup","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/playing-ketchup\/","title":{"rendered":"Playing Ketchup"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Cabin gets shut down for the winter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sure, there\u2019s the odd weekend between Christmas and Groundhog Day, weekends that see at least one Rank return to our heirloom estate in the woods.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But for the most part, The Cabin is too cold, too remote to access in the winter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Winterizing The Cabin means shutting off the water, draining the pipes so they don\u2019t freeze and burst. The chips and Petey food get sent home. The refrigerator is emptied.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Winterizing The Cabin reminds me of the days I\u2019d slip into an operating room, tucking myself into a corner. I\u2019d watch as a section of skull was removed to manage an injured brain.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Injured brains swell. The rigid skull, which normally keeps the brain safe, compresses it instead, sometimes damaging the brain worse than the original injury.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But remove a bit of that skull and now the brain can expand through the hole you\u2019ve created. It ascends through the void, steady as a head of beer rising in a pint glass.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The winterized cabin is not unlike that operating room. Under normal circumstances, The Cabin is quite capable of safely holding its contents, just like the skull.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But a winterized Cabin\u2019s usual contents can\u2019t be contained by the walls of the winterized cabin any more than a swelling brain can be contained by the skull.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That\u2019s where the similarity ends because opening a window or door at The Cabin won\u2019t fix things the way removing a section of skull does.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What I\u2019m trying to say is you can\u2019t leave any food at The Cabin. Unless you want to return in the spring to find that Fievel Mousekewitz and every mouse on his ship have set up housekeeping in the kitchen cabinets.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So The Cabin is emptied of the marshmallows and mustard, the toaster waffles and Pop-Tarts. Cereal and Tostitos become bar patrons at 2 A.M. \u2013 they don\u2019t have to go home, but they can\u2019t stay at The Cabin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They can, however, stay at my house.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For years, The Winterized Cabin contents went to Don\u2019s parents\u2019 house. Now it\u2019s our turn to host the cookies and bran flakes, especially when one considers most of the supplies are there because of me and my children.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So each winter we become gracious hosts to the Chip Clips that stow away on the half-eaten bags of potato chips, to the shelf-stable milk I keep at The Cabin for my tea, to the butter, mostly gone and riddled with crumbs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And to the marshmallows.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I keep enough s\u2019mores supplies at The Cabin to make s\u2019mores for the entire Pacific Fleet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Daily.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For a year.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This overstock stems from a fear rooted deep in my early days at The Cabin, when I was still learning how to be The Pioneer Woman of central Pennsylvania.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Making s\u2019mores falls under the heading of Things We Do Every Time We Go To The Cabin. For example, we always stop at McDonald\u2019s on our way to The Cabin. We always go for ice cream at our favorite ice cream stand, 3B Ice Cream Shop \u2013 the one on Peter\u2019s Mountain Road, in the middle of nowhere, not the ones in Harrisburg or Duncannon.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Harrisburg and Duncannon are a little too city for The Cabin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
A sign near The Cabin. Google \u201cRocky Mountain oysters\u201d and you\u2019ll see that \u201ccleaned brain\u201d and \u201cpig stomach\u201d are not the craziest things on that list.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

We always go to The Carsonville Hotel, where our waiter Brandy strolls over with Cokes for the kids and hazy IPAs for me and the Dons because we all order the same thing every time we go.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We always watch Svengoolie<\/em>, which is my proudest accomplishment because we actually turn on the TV.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And we always make s\u2019mores.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But once, when the kids were still little, I erroneously thought I had all of my s\u2019mores supplies \u2013 graham crackers, marshmallows, Hershey\u2019s bars, men with fire-making abilities I lacked at the time \u2013 at The Cabin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But I arrived that Friday evening to find I was missing critical s\u2019mores supplies.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And it wasn\u2019t my firestarters.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
One of the fires that I built. It lasted a whole five minutes.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

To skip s\u2019mores at The Cabin is to risk having my children gut me with a spoon while I sleep. They\u2019re as blonde-haired and blue-eyed as the kids in Village of the Damned<\/em>. Breed humans like that and tell me if you ever sleep with both eyes closed again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Grocery store options are limited at The Cabin. There’s Redner’s Wholesale Market and Wal-Mart, each a half-hour drive from The Cabin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That\u2019s an hour roundtrip, plus the hour you spend in the store because A) you\u2019re not familiar with the layout so who the hell knows where the marshmallows are and B) who really leaves Wal-Mart with only the thing they went in to purchase?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Weighing out whether to be murdered by The Bad Seed<\/em> blondes you managed to create with a guy who has jet-black hair or visiting a Wal-Mart in rural Pennsylvania at eight on a Friday night is just a Sophie\u2019s Choice<\/em> of indecision.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So now I keep an indecent amount of s\u2019more supplies at The Cabin. Or, as we\u2019re now on the cusp of winter, on top of my home refrigerator.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Funny how the surplus beer never makes its way here.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
The Cabin fridge. I have a lot of anxiety interacting with that fridge. The lack of organization makes me feel a bit unhinged.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

The only problem I have with any of it is the condiments.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Don believes, Buddy the Elf-like, that condiments are another food group. I silently rage when I see the nine varieties of mustard we own. Rest assured Don knows of my silent mustard rage; we just don\u2019t discuss it. We both know the real problem isn\u2019t the mustard but my unhinged Obsessiveness.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Winterizing The Cabin rehomes the likes of relish, ketchup, and mayonnaise out of The Cabin and into my refrigerator. I\u2019m never looking to fill my fridge with more condiments any more than I\u2019m looking to fill my life with more outdoors. I\u2019m just really bad at avoiding both.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Don returns home from winterizing The Cabin, he always has a smirk playing about his lips. He knows I\u2019ll unravel as The Cabin condiments join our regular condiments, a Brady Bunch<\/em> of squeeze bottles.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
My home fridge.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

He knows I\u2019ll complain, which I think is probably annoying even though he just laughs. He knows I\u2019ll do what I normally do when I feel the universe spinning out of control, which is to clean the refrigerator. He\u2019ll reassure me it\u2019s just ketchup<\/em>, to which I always whine But why so much? Was there a hot dog convention at The Cabin?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And then he\u2019ll point out how very awful I am for putting ketchup on my hot dogs, and leave me to my cleaning spree while I mutter hot dog\/ phallus jokes to myself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019ll throw away a few things that are mostly empty but not quite, and when Don asks me about them later I\u2019ll lie and say I don\u2019t know where they are, though we both know I do. I\u2019ll grumble and huff, then feel marginally better when the fridge sparkles, the condiments lined up in tidy rows.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The worst part is that the condiments never make their way back to The Cabin come spring. There is no homecoming, no joyful reunion.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The old condiments stay in my fridge, replaced at The Cabin by sexy new condiments, full and robust, instead of mostly empty and incredibly sticky.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Should I take this as a warning? If I don\u2019t accept the annual condiment expulsion from The Cabin to my fridge, will I, too, be replaced?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I have often told Don he should have a second wife, one who not only goes to The Cabin but enjoys hikes and camping outside and bugs. One who can actually cook. One who doesn\u2019t pine for Starbucks and tall buildings.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Don says he has enough trouble with the wife he already has.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Which is ridiculous. Just this weekend, I threw away his jar of olives containing a grand total of \u00be of an olive, didn\u2019t cook dinner at all, made him watch a Christmas movie, and recounted the plot of The Mandalorian<\/em>, even though he doesn\u2019t and never will watch it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
This jar contained three pieces of olive, totaling less than a whole olive. Did it really need to make the three hour drive from The Cabin? Or wind up in my fridge?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I didn\u2019t even complain when he made himself an egg and pepper breakfast, which I don\u2019t like because it smells.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yes. He emptied one of the ketchup bottles on the eggs. That\u2019s why I didn\u2019t complain.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Even though ketchup on eggs is gross.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And the jokes aren\u2019t as good as the ones you can make with ketchup on hot dogs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"
It\u2019s safe to say I only love you because you\u2019re empty (and soaking to be recycled).<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Cabin gets shut down for the winter.   Sure, there\u2019s the odd weekend between Christmas and Groundhog Day, weekends that see at least one Rank return to our heirloom estate in the woods.   But for the most part, The Cabin is too cold, too remote to access in the winter.   Winterizing The…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":350,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[30,21,20,22,10,11,17,18,19],"yoast_head":"\nPlaying Ketchup - Wendi Rank<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Need to borrow a cup of\u2026relish?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Playing Ketchup - Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Need to borrow a cup of\u2026relish?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/playing-ketchup\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Wendi Rank\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-03-02T12:02:40+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-03-02T16:05:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-02-at-7.00.18-AM.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"760\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1104\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"wendi\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/playing-ketchup\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/playing-ketchup\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"wendi\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"headline\":\"Playing Ketchup\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-03-02T12:02:40+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-03-02T16:05:06+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/playing-ketchup\/\"},\"wordCount\":1658,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/#\/schema\/person\/81fa1f6bb0eed6ccabd60fce3c44bdfd\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/playing-ketchup\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Screen-Shot-2021-03-02-at-7.00.18-AM.png\",\"keywords\":[\"Deer Camp\",\"hunter's wife\",\"hunting\",\"hunting widow\",\"neat freak\",\"obsessive\",\"Outdoors\",\"Outdoorsman\",\"Outdoorsman's wife\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Outdoorsman\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/playing-ketchup\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/playing-ketchup\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/wendirank.com\/index.php\/2021\/03\/02\/playing-ketchup\/\",\"name\":\"Playing Ketchup - 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