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<\/p>\n
So I skip over the snakes and head for the sunscreen. I am as pale as this page and burn like cookies \u2013 fast and ugly. To my mind, a comprehensive line of scent-erasing products would include sunscreen. I mean, who is out in the sun more than hunters? Surely they\u2019re slathered in SPF, right?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cWrong,\u201d Don informed me. Deer hunting means hiking to your perch in the dark \u2013 scary \u2013 then sitting in the shade, covered in camo head to toe. Just your eyes peek out, alert to your quarry.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cEyes are so important to protect!\u201d I exclaimed to Don. Those little lines, like crumpled tissue paper, creep up so easily in the pale, fragile skin around the eyes.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cMmm, I don\u2019t think hunters worry about crow\u2019s feet,\u201d Don mused. Well, I bet they do if they\u2019re women. Or actually hunting crow. Or both.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about face wash?\u201d I asked. That was when I discovered that Don uses the same soap on both his body and face. Not just during hunting season. All year round.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
If I did that, the skin on my face would peel off in great big California king-sized sheets. I’d be so red and raw, I might as well have been sunburned.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cMoisturizer?\u201d I ask, not hopeful that Don or hunters in general regularly moisturize their bodies.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I was right.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And also beginning to understand why I\u2019m covered in bugs and bug bites at The Cabin while Don sits, peacefully reading his book and drinking his beer.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So no sunscreen, moisturizer, or face wash. My confusion about guns isn\u2019t the only thing keeping me from using<\/a> that hunting license<\/a>. I could never leave the house without SPF and lotion.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Primer, concealer, and foundation too. Pale limeys like me are pretty splotchy. Bright red welts bloom across our faces when – I don\u2019t know, take your pick. The wind shifts. Sunlight reflects off the patio. A polar bear dives into the Atlantic. A comet circles Neptune.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n While discussing hunters\u2019 atrocious body and face care with Don \u2013 or at least Don\u2019s atrocious body and face care – I realized I could make and market the products Don is lacking. Products for the skin-conscious hunter. Or the vain hunter.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d Don said. Which I should probably heed. He\u2019s my biggest cheerleader. If he says hunting products marketed to hunters by someone who\u2019s never been hunting, can\u2019t fire a gun, and doesn\u2019t like the outdoors is going to fail, he\u2019s probably right.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But I\u2019m kind of stubborn. So I kept pestering him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Achieving a scent-neutral product might be tough. But are there scents that deer are cool with?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAcorn,\u201d Don said. Which would be perfect. Imagine a face soap with finely ground acorns, scenting the wash and exfoliating the face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAlso corn,\u201d Don said. Which is less perfect. I don\u2019t think anyone would want to smell like corn. Besides, I would need to grow corn to make corn products. Between corn snakes and Children of the Corn<\/em>, I know bad things turn up when you start planting corn. No thanks.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n I\u2019ve been thinking about starting an apiary in the backyard. I could use the honey to make my hunters\u2019 body care products. Burt\u2019s Bees does it. How hard could it be?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Plus, there\u2019s a restaurant at The Cabin \u2013 literally a restaurant<\/em>. If you want something besides that restaurant, you need to drive further than the twenty minutes this particular restaurant takes to arrive at from The Cabin. You also need to be comfortable in a likely Witness Protection Program-type situation.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n This restaurant at The Cabin had a craft fair last year. When the local vineyard markets a wine they declare to be perfect for game meat, and that vineyard is two minutes from the restaurant, you\u2019re probably going to hit the demographic for your hunters\u2019 honey-acorn wash at that craft fair.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure that will be successful,\u201d Don sighed. Which I think means it won\u2019t be successful. But I don\u2019t always believe the things that come out of his mouth. Or want to believe them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI need a name,\u201d I mused out loud. Should I go the Ben & Jerry\u2019s route and name my soap after myself? Or should I subscribe to the Steve Jobs line of thinking and name my soap something that has nothing to do with my product?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cRank\u2019s Hunting Soap!\u201d I exclaimed to Don. My catchphrase could be \u201cRank\u2019s Hunting Soap \u2013 We\u2019re Rank so you don\u2019t have to be\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019ll only be Rank to the animals.\u201d Something like that.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think anyone will use soap called \u2018Rank,\u2019\u201d Don said. Which is ridiculous. I dated a guy named Rank, and I did a lot more than just put him on my body. Also, we\u2019re spending a full July weekend with other hunters and anglers with no toilets and no showers so how picky can this demographic really be?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n That plumbing-free weekend is a whole other problem I\u2019m having. We\u2019ll talk soon.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat about Pope on a Rope?\u201d I exclaimed. \u201cAll of my products can have a rope through them so you can hang it on a branch or whatever crazy thing outdoorsmen need to do with their products.\u201d Which bought me a look that said this was wrong in so many ways that Don didn\u2019t know where to begin.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPeople will think it has something to do with The Pope,\u201d Don said. As if I haven\u2019t spent my whole life having people think my name has something to do with The Pope. Or my uncle the cardinal. Or my cousin the bishop.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n People are not really innovative when it comes to Pope jokes. They know there\u2019s a joke in there somewhere. They just can\u2019t ever find it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOK,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019ll call it Pope\u2019s on a Rope.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWell then people will think it has to do with all the Popes.\u201d Which I don\u2019t think is my problem. If you don\u2019t know that \u201cPope\u2019s\u201d possessive isn\u2019t \u201cPopes\u201d plural we are not going to get along. Ever.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll put my picture on it,\u201d I said, putting the matter to bed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n I still think I\u2019m onto something, although Don is adamant I\u2019m not. That\u2019s OK. I just discovered a new product I\u2019ll need to add to my hunters’ acorn-honey skincare line.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I was telling a friend about the shower-free weekend I\u2019ll soon be experiencing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDry shampoo,\u201d she said. \u201cIt is your friend.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So I enlightened Don to the dry shampoo suggestion. He told me he\u2019d already thought about it and was going to buy me some.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t!\u201d I said. I can\u2019t just buy any old dry shampoo. Sensitive, splotchy skin like mine is touchy. I need to sample the product first, to make sure it doesn\u2019t give me a rash or make me bald or cause my organs to erupt from my belly button.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n My dry shampoo is on the way. I bought it from Gwyneth Paltrow, who seems to know how sensitive my skin is and has never steered me wrong.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And who, I notice, doesn’t sell skincare for hunters on her website.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I\u2019ll fix that.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I have an idea. My idea has drawn some doubt. Mockery even. But I will not be deterred. Well, I don\u2019t feel quite that strongly about it. Let\u2019s just go with I won\u2019t be deterred from talking about it. Living with a hunter, I have discovered that one does not simply pick…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":576,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[31,30,21,20,22,10,11,17,18,19],"yoast_head":"\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/wendirank.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/IMG_7951-300x209.jpg\")
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