Don has introduced me to an Instagram account that’s just compelling. And terrifying. He hesitated to show me, sure, but I pressured him and now I can never go back.
It’s called Nature Is Metal. And it is just what it sounds like. Take a peek. I’ll wait.
Didn’t I tell you?
I’m not squeamish – one of my favorite things in neurosurgery is watching a drill pop through skull bone. Nor am I touchy about the brutality of nature -when you’ve basically married the Brawny paper towel man you’re either in nature or getting lectures about nature.
Your willingness to participate in either, by the way, is not necessary. It’s happening.
Nature Is Metal both draws and repels me. Because of the reptiles.
The most terrifying post is a video of a Komodo dragon. If Komodo dragons don’t terrify you then I can’t help you. You’re probably not afraid to hike through a forest at three o’clock in the morning or sleep with the lights off.
First of all, Komodo dragons are huge. They can be ten feet long and three hundred pounds, and their eggs are the size of a grapefruit.
A grapefruit.
They also don’t need sex to reproduce, although asexual reproduction breeds only males. Still. You have to be afraid of something that doesn’t need sex to survive.
Their mating process, by the way, begins when the male licks the female’s back. The show is on if she licks him back. Wouldn’t all of our lives be easier if we were like Komodos? If no one returns your lick it’s time to just put on some comfy PJs and a rerun of Law & Order.
Komodos can outrun a human. They can also swim. I read once they can climb trees. I couldn’t find anything legitimate confirming this, but their young hang out in trees.
That’s close enough.
Essentially, if it comes down to you vs. the dragon, the dragon will win. He can chase you down. He can follow you up a tree. He can follow you into the ocean.
They’ve lived on Indonesian islands for millions of years but were only discovered 100 years ago. That’s how stealthy they are – islands populated with people had no idea ten foot long, three hundred pound lizards were living amongst them.
There’s a lot of other horrifying facts. I’ll let you read them yourself.
I mean, sweet dreams after that. Now you know why it’s important to sleep with the lights on and never, ever walk through the forest in the middle of the night.
You might have a Komodo dragon under your bed. Or in your forest.
You also might encounter Jason Voorhees, the Blair Witch, the guys from Deliverance, the Paranormal Activity demon, and the Poltergeist stuff living in the closet and under the bed.
I can hate demons and poltergeists, but I can’t really hate Komodo dragons. They’re classified as vulnerable. Plus they eat snakes, which I appreciate. These snakes get beached on the dragons’ islands from the South Pacific Ocean, which is a whole other problem we can talk about another day.
There’s another disturbing post on Nature Is Metal. It’s an eel coming through the belly of a bird in flight. Not out of, as in regurgitation. Through.
Also a problem for another day. There’s only so many things I can be concerned with at a time. Because the other problem swelling my phobias is the reptile house near The Cabin. It’s very socially distanced. The kids and I paid it a visit.
I know what you’re thinking. Why would I, an avowed herpetophobe, take the kids to a reptile house?
Because the Brawny paper towel man was off doing Brawny paper towel man stuff. That’s why.
Also, The Cabin is basically a reptile house in its own right.
The first problem at the reptile house was the docent, who was sitting in the empty lecture theater with a snake around his neck. As if there’s nothing wrong with that.
Worse, I shouted a question down to him before I saw the snake. I was that close to death. I mean, I have children to raise. Put that completely non-venomous snake away so I can live another day.
The next problem was the Nile monitor. My son fell in love with him (her?). We stood before its enclosure, watching its tongue flick out. Watching as it stood on its hind legs, its front legs braced against the glass.
I just read escaped or released pet Nile monitors now populate Florida. As if I needed another reason to avoid Florida. Invasive pythons, native reptiles, Disney, and now Nile monitors?
No offense to Floridians. My uncle lives there, and I’m pretty down with him. It’s just that my preferred vacation spot is North Carolina. Everyone knows my Outer Banks island is reptile-free.
Don’t disabuse me of that belief.
One reptile house snake kindly waited for my arrival at its enclosure to open its jaws wide. For a really long time. For no apparent reason other than I was there.
A very green snake lay coiled horrifically around a tree branch, which is another reason to stay out of the woods in the middle of the night. It really doesn’t matter that this snake isn’t indigenous to the United States. Pythons and Nile monitors are not indigenous to the United States. Yet here they are.
The reptile house alligators lay in a pool beneath us. BENEATH US.
I was on top of them before I saw them. In other words, I was nearly devoured.
At least the South Florida cooter was funny. Scary, but funny. Like Freddy Krueger.
These animals – those in the reptile house, those at Nature Is Metal – are fascinating to watch, in a horrible way. Some have been here millions of years. They know how to survive, which is fascinating in a different sort of horrible way.
Should I stop looking at the Instagram account? Probably. Will I? No. How can I possibly know what to be afraid of if I don’t check Instagram or visit reptile houses?!
Also, I can make a lot of jokes about the symbolism in my fear of snakes. Jokes almost as funny as the South Florida cooter. Which I just discovered lives in North Carolina as well as Florida. My North Carolina.
There’s a joke in there somewhere about the snakes preying on the cooters, if you think hard enough and use the right words.
Obviously, I need Nature is Metal. I need reptile houses. They will save me from getting annihilated by a South Florida cooter when I’m walking to the beach. Save me from a Komodo dragon while I hike in central Pennsylvania. Save me from pythons when I don’t go to Florida.
And save you too.
You’re welcome.
PSA
Let’s be honest. If Komodos become extinct I will just find something else to fear. Help me manage my phobias by preserving Komodos and other compromised species. Visit the World Wildlife Fund here. You can even get a plush Komodo with your donation. Just don’t bring it to my house.
Invasive pythons in Florida are terrifying – for both ecological reasons and those in my imagination. Visit the Nature Conservancy here for ways to help. And read the Smithsonian article I linked. The pictures alone are worth the read.
Also, skull drills are no joke. Find out more here.
Binge
I’m not going to make you civically responsible without a little reward. Some pandemic bingeing you may have missed.
The Boys. Definitely not your typical superhero story. And definitely not for kids. Wrong in the very best ways. Season 2 starts on Prime September 4.
The Expanse. A futuristic, outer space story. With one very Don Rank-looking protagonist. All four seasons are on Prime.
Unsolved Mysteries. No Robert Stack, but still very good. I couldn’t walk away, and that guy definitely didn’t go through the roof. Netflix.
I’ll Be Gone In The Dark. Based on Michelle McNamara’s book of the same name – which is a compelling page turner. Part autobiography, part hunt for a serial killer. She died not long before he was arrested. HBO.
Atlanta’s Missing and Murdered: The Lost Children. Fans of Netflix’s Mindhunter -another great binge – will recognize the racism pervasive throughout this case. HBO.
The Disappearance of Maura Murray. Despite neighbors peeping through windows and offering assistance at the scene of her car wreck, no one sees Maura disappear. Maggie Freleng investigates each rumor in hopes of locating Maura. Oxygen Network.
Dark. I’ll be honest. This is German, so it’s dubbed. And I haven’t finished it. The plot unfolds in a small German town in a combination of Stranger Things and Back To the Future. Except it’s not funny because we Germans think levity should hold no role in your life. We think you have to struggle. All the time. Netflix.
Vikings. Fictionalized account of the Scandinavian invasion of England. Ragnar is, um, pretty bingeworthy himself. If you know what I mean. Prime.
The Last Kingdom. Fictionalized account of the generation after Vikings. It’s also a great book. Protagonist Uhtred is just as bingeworthy as Ragnar. You definitely know what I mean now, right? Netflix.
And just for fun…if dragons existed, what would they be like? Find out here!