We can talk about The Videotape Incident.
Before we begin, let me say that Don and I are soul mates. He is the Hart to my Hart. The Han to my Leia. The Dylan to my Kelly. Well, he’s really more of a Brandon, but I always liked Kelly with Dylan better. Besides, Brandon cheated on Kelly with Emma. Don would not have cheated with Emma.
My point is, we rarely fight. Which is why, a decade-plus later, The Videotape Incident still resounds in the annals of our relationship like the echoes of a church bell on Sunday morning.
In my defense, I was dealing with a baby who didn’t sleep. Instead of napping along with her, I was cleaning out the videotapes.
Don says, in his defense, that I was in the wrong, but, unlike me, he has found room in his heart for forgiveness. Much like Kelly forgave Brandon.
And look at how that turned out.
Don’s friend, central to this story, says he understands both points of view.
Personally, I think he sides with me. He just has to say he understands both sides because he’s known Don longer. Deep down, he knows I’m right. I’m sure you will too.
This story begins with a videotape purge. Back when we had this fight, videotapes were losing ground to DVDs. I get really happy when I clear out, well, anything.
My Obsessiveness does too.
I sorted the aging videotapes into two piles: Definitely Keep and Keep Only If Don Wants. The Keep Only If Don Wants pile I placed in a neat stack on our dining room table.
I maintain I instructed Don to sort through the stack, and I did so with good reason. In the early months of our marriage, I had the audacity to throw away the Cabela’s Christmas Catalog. In March. Don was irritated. He had borrowed the catalog from his dad. It wasn’t ours to throw away. Lesson learned. Now I ask before I toss. Almost always. Well, sometimes. Isn’t that big of me? I’m a very good wife.
Don maintains that he created two piles from the Keep Only If Don Wants pile. His new piles were Keep and Toss.
One tape was on loan from Don’s friend. I call him Jason Statham. He is not, in fact, Jason Statham. But he looks like Jason Statham. Jason Statham’s tape was called “Bruins Hockey Fights 1987-Present”. Or something like that. This tape had moved with Don, unviewed, from his parents’ house to my apartment to our house. It had malingered through two grad school commencements, one wedding, one Army deployment to El Paso, and nine months of pregnancy. I say that tape was in the Toss pile. Don staunchly denies this. He says it was in the Keep pile for return to Jason Statham.
Now, any anal-retentive Type A’s out there – or, as I like to call us, “normal” – will agree with me that such a situation warrants a third pile. The Return To Jason Statham pile. I think this is obvious. Don thinks this is an indication for therapy. I think refusal to throw anything away is an indication for therapy. But whatever.
Needless to say, the Toss pile was small. Apparently, unspeakable evil descends upon your house if you throw anything away. But being the pleasant, pliable wife I am, I held onto those few Tosses for recording TV shows.
One day – without any attempts on Don’s part to return Jason Statham’s tape, I may add – I had to record a show. Don says I asked if I could use the “how to play hockey tape”, a completely different and separate tape from the Bruins hockey fight tape. I say that I simply grabbed a tape from the Toss pile.
Later, we sat down to watch the recorded show. I popped the tape in. And that’s when Don realized I had recorded over the gold that is Bruins hockey fights.
Let’s just say I received a little lecture. He was not pleased. Like the Cabela’s Christmas Catalog, it was not ours to destroy. What would he tell Jason Statham?
Well, I was pretty sure Jason Statham didn’t care since the videotape had been in Don’s possession for the better part of a decade and he had not, to my knowledge, broken Don’s kneecaps over the debt. I was also sure I could talk Jason Statham off the ledge if he was mad. Jason Statham is my future second husband. I was confident I could leverage that into forgiveness.
As it turns out, Jason Statham never had to know that I so viciously defaced the Bruins tape. That night, I Googled “Bruins hockey fights 1987- present”. Or whatever the tape was called. I found a dude in Canada who had such a tape and emailed him. When he emailed me the next day, I discovered he had the twin of Jason Statham’s tape BECAUSE HE HAD SOLD IT TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Not only would he gladly send me a copy, he’d do so for free. I just had to pay the postage. He would even send me the tape today – without waiting on my check.
Fifteen hours after my transgression, I had completely rectified it. Pleased with my recovery – and awesomeness – I joyfully told Don how I had made our world right again. But my mistake far outweighed my resourcefulness. I was still in a lot of trouble. It didn’t even help when I pointed out how awesome I am.
The tape arrived, and I laid it out for Don to bring to Jason Statham. The delivery was critical. Jason Statham was leaving for boot camp. He would be gone for a long time.
And do you know what happened? DO YOU?! Don FORGOT it. FORGOT IT! This tape that Jason Statham apparently was pining for in his waning days of civilian freedom laid on my dining room table, forgotten like a misfit toy.
That was when the phone rang. Normally, I avoid phone calls like potholes. But on this day, I grabbed it. Why? Because it was a recruiter with some exciting jobs for Don in his area! Ever the helpful one, I told that recruiter Don was not home. But she could certainly have his cell phone number.
Oh, yes I did.
Admittedly not my best moment. She calls him to this day.
But now, I felt, Don and I were on even ground. He was chagrined at his lapse. I was chagrined about the tape. We both had gotten mad. Even Steven. Well, in our house, it’s Even Stephan. But you get my point.
Then, happily, Jason Statham reached out to Don. He was able to meet up once more before boot camp. I again carefully laid the tape on the table.
Yes. He forgot it again.
And he told Jason Statham about it. And do you know what Jason Statham said? He’d forgotten about the tape. Didn’t need it. Couldn’t use it.
Months later, Don complained that a recruiter kept calling his cell. He didn’t know how she’d gotten his number. I gave her the number, I said. Because of The Videotape Incident. I did it. For years that recruiter called his cell. For years he got mad all over again. Well, for years I got mad anytime I thought about clearing out our videotapes.
Yeah. So now that I read this over, I can see I was more wrong than he was. His buddy was leaving. It was a lousy time. I had been more concerned with the cleanliness of my house than Don’s feelings. Jennifer would never treat Jonathan that way.
Before I published this post, I asked Don to please read all the way through before he decided to be mad. Much like (spoiler alert) Noah on The Affair, I redeem myself at the end, I tell him.
He asked if I redeemed myself by telling you about the sofa in the driveway when he got home from work, late one night years ago.
A post for another day.