I think Willie is trying to kill me.
Her weapon? Sleep deprivation. Her motive? Well, she still hates me.
Willie was victimized by a phone scammer, the scope of which you can read about this coming weekend.
I am Willie and Indy’s financial power of attorney. I think normal people maybe would have called their financial power of attorney after something like this. But I am not tangling with normal people here.
This is Willie. I found out about the scammer by accident.
I suspected the scammer had done more damage than Willie realized, so I told Willie to run her computer’s anti-virus. I’d be over in the morning to sort through the rubble left when the scammer detonated his bomb.
But I should have begun my investigation that night. I was restless in bed, ruminating on all the things that could go wrong. My main fear was that the scammer had been able to access Indy and Willie’s retirement funds.
They’d have to come live with me if that happened.
If Willie and I are living under one roof, only one of us is coming out alive.
My money is on Willie.
Well, mine and Willie’s money is on Willie. I have all of Willie’s liquid funds at the moment. As it turns out, closing out bank accounts and opening new ones is a dance so complex Patrick Swayze couldn’t teach it, even if we had a whole summer together at Kellerman’s.
Anyway, around three in the morning I gave up. Do you know how much work you can get done if you give up sleep?
I do. I know how much work you can get done if you give up sleep.
My disrupted sleep was well-founded. Sitting down with Indy and Willie the following morning, I quickly determined the scammer had gotten Willie to load screen-sharing software onto her computer. He’d shared her screen while Willie accessed her bank account.
I explained this to Willie, who assured me she had deleted the program, and that my IT brother-in-law had walked her through cleaning up her computer.
But she hadn’t run the anti-virus. She hadn’t done any of the things I’d suggested she do to protect herself from the scammer until I could go over and assess the damage. Why take steps to protect yourself? It’s only your entire life’s savings.
So we launched her anti-virus, which gave us a countdown of eighteen hours. Eighteen hours to go through Willie’s files, looking for the scammer.
“Ugh,” Willie huffed. “Eighteen hours! I could have run this before I went to bed, let it run while I was SLEEPING! I’ll never be able to use my computer today if this thing takes EIGHTEEN HOURS!”
If only someone had suggested she run the anti-virus the night before.
Also, Willie losing access to her computer maybe isn’t such a bad thing.
It took four days for me to sort through Willie and Indy’s financials, poking through their electronics and accounts, searching for the scammer.
You’ve probably figured out that Willie doesn’t do anything small. This particular week was no exception.
One day, my phone rang at six in the morning. I checked the caller ID.
Willie.
That was concerning. Even more alarming, the call disconnected as I answered.
I quickly called Willie back, who told me it had been a butt-dial and apologized profusely. But my household starts early. I assured Willie Don and I were already up when she called.
We didn’t have the pounding hearts until the phone rang, but we’d been awake.
The next morning, my phone rang at six again. This time, Willie was cheerful. She knew I was already up, so she had called to tell me something. Something trivial. Something that could have waited until a reasonable hour, when adrenaline wouldn’t surge through my body.
I hadn’t slept well in days. The adrenaline, the frustration. I’d taken to luring Pete to the couch, cuddling up together with my book and the remote in the middle of the night.
I was worried. Worried about Willie. Worried about her money.
I was also worried about me. I’d begun watching Lifetime movies. I haven’t watched Lifetime movies in years. But a title like “Infidelity in Suburbia” is just begging to be explored, right? I mean, I know The Meg and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom aren’t exactly Citizen Kane, but Lifetime movies?! What was happening to me?
Also, you know that if your contractor is that hot, and that willing to have an affair with you, he’s going to wind up killing people and destroying your marriage. I mean, really. It’s a good thing you have that big, beautiful window to push him through. You need to fix this thing.
Just don’t bang the next contractor, the one who comes to fix your window.
After many nights with unfaithful, scheming wives, I finally collapsed. Exhaustion took over. Pete and I crashed, sleeping like Rumpelstiltskin.
Until Willie called at two in the morning.
She was concerned. She had a post-nasal drip, so she’d checked her oxygen saturation with her home pulse oximeter.
Checking your pulse oximeter because you have a post-nasal drip is a bit like taking your car to the mechanic because your gas tank is empty.
Willie reported that her pulse oximetry reading was between 87% and 97%.
I can’t even begin to get into how many things are wrong with that statement.
I walked Willie through what medications and actions to take, to ease her post-nasal drip and her mind. She apologized for calling. But she knew I’d be upset if she didn’t call.
Which is accurate.
But the inconsistency. No phone call when a scammer accesses your bank accounts, but a mid-sleep call for a post-nasal drip?
I was beginning to think a murderous contractor might be easier to deal with.
I told Willie to keep me posted, which she dutifully did by text.
For the rest of the night.
The activity woke Pete, who figured two in the morning is as good a time as any to go out back and rouse the rabbits from beneath the deck.
I checked in on Willie later that morning. She told me she thought maybe her pulse oximeter was broken.
You don’t say.
She was also excited. She’d received a letter. Her former employer had invited her to a conference in California. They’d even sent plane tickets. Sure, she’d call American Express – all the paperwork said “American Express” – to make sure it wasn’t a scam. But a professional conference! In California! Her airfare paid! It was all so exciting.
I sighed quietly. She retired nearly a decade ago. She’s had no contact with anyone currently employed by her former hospital. I didn’t think anyone was sending her on an all-expense paid trip to California.
Something tells me my sleepless nights are just beginning.
See you soon, Lifetime.