Don’s uncle is a government assassin. We don’t know this for sure, obviously. But wherever he goes, a foreign dignitary gets injured. Or dies. Pope John Paul? This uncle was in Malta. Viktor Yushchenko’s poisoning? This uncle was in Ukraine. The obvious conclusion is that he is an assassin. Not a good one,…
Once, years ago, I tried to get Don into the one outdoor activity I really enjoy. Skiing. I was hoping to cultivate a Johnny Come Lately – Donny Come Lately? – Shaun White. What I actually cultivated was a 6’2” human snowball with a sprained finger. It was years before that…
I had to get Willie tested for dementia. And believe me, you have not lived until you’ve told Willie you’ve discussed her memory problems with everyone but her, including her doctor, who now wants to see her pronto. And that you’re going with her to the doctor. If she hated me before,…
I think Willie is trying to kill me. Her weapon? Sleep deprivation. Her motive? Well, she still hates me. Willie was victimized by a phone scammer, the scope of which you can read about this coming weekend. I am Willie and Indy’s financial power of attorney. I think normal people maybe…
How do Don and I have a vacation – just the two of us – when one of us wants to sleep in a tent and the other one of us is far more rational? That was an easy answer before the pandemic. Don suspended his love for the outdoors and his distaste for…
There’s no easy way to say this. I hate my garage. I mean, sure. I don’t like the shed much. Once I found the spider eggs growing on my ski bag, I was pretty much done. But I don’t keep anything in the shed anymore. Grow spiders on my skis and our…
You know, I thought once Indy finished his weekly speech appointments, I’d have nothing to tell you. But as long as Willie lives, I’ll have stories. Stories upon stories upon stories. I spent two weeks with Indy and Willie, two weeks where they circled me like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park, taking a…
Usually, it’s Willie who messes up. Sometimes, it’s Don. This time, it was me. I know, I know. I’m usually perfect. I’m sorry to disappoint you guys. My downfall began Friday. I was coaching my Parkinson’s boxers when the text flashed across my phone. One of our smoke detectors was…
Before anything else, we really need to talk about The Cabin. I am going to be dirty and honest with you about The Cabin. I think it’s time. When a boy you’re dating tells you his grandfather has a cabin, you think he’s trying to impress you. Or, in my case, you wonder…
We can talk about The Videotape Incident. Before we begin, let me say that Don and I are soul mates. He is the Hart to my Hart. The Han to my Leia. The Dylan to my Kelly. Well, he’s really more of a Brandon, but I always liked Kelly with Dylan better. Besides, Brandon…